All About ARCHER...mostly.

So, ARCHER is the man! I mean it. Lol. He makes me feel...damn, I can't even describe it. So much crazy shit has happened this week, but (luckily) he was in town and right by my side. He's always so supportive. I guess it makes sense though. He's a lot like me, so it's easier for him to anticipate my needs. 

He's also very vocal with me. He always communicates with me. That's definitely a quality that ADAM lacks. ARCHER just fits somehow. I could almost...ALMOST...swear that he was made just for me. I feel so positive about ARCHER...but why do I still stree so much over ADAM?

It's like he can't see past the feelings that I HAD for him and just move on with our friendship. (I'll tell you that story later.) I just want to move forward and it's like he's stuck in the past. I really DO love him with all my heart, but the day that he asked me, AS HIS FRIEND to forget all feelings (romantic) that I had for him, I did it. And we've had this same exact fight every month since December.


I'm always the one who's being too clingy, like I want to be his girl. But what he seems to be missing, it that I STOPPED all of the extra effort that I was putting in, around February... (okay, so some of those chats were deserved. lol.) 


Anyways, ARCHER went back to NC today, after a week-long "welcome back celebration." ;-D He's coming back in two weeks and I can't wait to see him...

Just What I've Been Searching For

ARCHER is the man of the hour! He's LITERALLY everything I've been looking for in a man. He's been wooing me for 5 days straight now. He still initiates contact with me. He's loving, gentle, caring, and compassionate. He's...the shit! Lol!

In fact, just last night, he told me he loves me. That he wished he wasn't moving to North Carolina because he wanted to stay here with me. He told me that I was "the one they prophecized about." He wants me to be his wife. And after 5 DAYS, most women would head for the hills if they heard this kind of language come from a man's mouth, but I stayed. I stayed because I felt so comfortable with him. 

I feel more level-headed than I ever have before. I feel sooo good and soooo free. ARCHER just came in and changed the whole game for me. He showed me what I should be treated like, and there's no way that I can ever go back to being treated like shit again. He always says that I deserve the best and I'm starting to believe that. :)


In other news, I've been facebooking about my romance with ARCHER and it seems that all of ADAM's friends are starting to catch on to the fact that I'm not that into ADAM anymore. It feels really good to let him go and move into something better. ADAM never really appreciated the effort I was putting into the situation. I never realized that he just wasn't that into me in thee first place. 


Here's what I found out: All of those articles and books that tell you what a guy will do if he's interested are right! They're right! He will call you. He will lavish you with attention and give you "special rights." He'll do all of the things that we, as women, want him to do.

 

A New ADAM?

So, I stopped past a friend's house to pick something up and ended up meeting a super-cute, funny, ambitious, amazing guy! He was totally respectful, complemented me from head-to-toe, and he didn't pressure me sexually. He's a renaissance man in true form. What an awesome chance! I go to meet a friend and instead meet a worthy man.

We hung out for thee evening. He put his friends on hold because he wanted to be with me. He even called the next day just because he was thinking about me. How wonderful is that? 

He's intuitive also. He won't let things pass by if he knows I'm unhappy with the situation. It just makes me feel really good to have someone interested in me for me. It also feels really good to have someone here who wants to be here....

I'm  not so sure I can say the same for ADAM.

Btw, ADAM totally called Amanda (his cousin) in the morning asking about our night. After she told him that I wasn't with her, she figured out by his reaction that he'd seen the tweets I was writing while out with NEW ADAM...let's call him AMOS. Anyway, ADAM put on his jealous/righteous indignation act with me when he called me later, but I barely let him affect me.

The entire time I was out with AMOS it felt really good and comfortable. I'm not trying to get ahead of myself on this one, but it does feel really nice when a man treats me as if I'm more than a burden. 

Another Red Flag

So it seems that the rule is true: one step forward, two steps back. Although in this case, it seems like one step forward and a hellatious roll backward into the past!

All week, ADAM had been amazing. He made a secret trip into town early in the week, and we had a great time. Now, his ex is coming to stay with him this weekend! I'm sooo blown. It's like the more I push away, the more he tries to lure me in, but once I'm there, he gives me more rope than ever!

He makes me so mad sometimes. But I can never stay mad at him. I am so hopelessly head-over-heels for him... I've gotta quit.

 

A Few Good Days...

So, ADAM went on his little trip to see his ex...and he had a terrible time. I feel bad, but I can't help but be a little excited. The friend in me knows that it sucks for him, but that other side is doin' the jig. Lol. 

Anyways, I was there when he returned from his trip and we had a very long chat that night. One that had nothing to do with him and everything to do with me. I just needed my friend, a shoulder to cry on. And that's exactly what I did. Afterwords, I returned home expecting everything to be firmly set and back on the "friend" track...WRONG. Apparently, he has other plans.

ADAM's been even more comforting and loving lately. Idk if it's because he was rejected by his ex or if he genuinely is coming around. I stopped by the other day. I had a, ahem, ulterior motive for stopping by. Unfortunately his roomie was just hanging around, although we made it painfully obvious that we needed some alone time. So we just chilled for a minute until I couldn't take it anymore...I had to "talk to him in private" right away. And it was awesome...ADAM lets a little more and more of that tiger out of thee cage every time. I love it! I rode him into submission and then I rode home. Lmao. It's sad when you recognize how whack your own jokes are. Lol.


So, all this week ADAM has been really awesome and amazing. He's been apologizing to me left and right. He's been paying major attention to my feelings. Extra compassionate and considerate lately. I'm not really sure what's going on, but I like it. He's opening up to me again. I think it got to him when I was crying. I think he may have sen just how much pressure I was under. I think he may have realized that I was serious when I said that I was thisclose to giving up on trying to be with him. Whatever it is, I don't care. He's starting to come around...i think...and I like that. :)

Revelations....

Figured out some pretty big (and maybe a little abstract) ideas this week. I've been doing some much needed mulling over my situation with ADAM and I am coming closer and closer to the PERMANENT decision that I need to walk away. 

I was just sitting in the park one night, watching a little league game when it hit me: 

1.) NOTHING should be this hard.
2.) The situation is ridiculously complicated.
3.) I am the one (again) who is putting forth all of the effort without getting anything in return.


I really needed ADAM this week. As a friend. But because of all of this nonsense, I didn't even let him know. I've been in the background quietly licking my wounds so that I could make his life easier. I can't believe that I've totally neglected myself for him! That's sooooo incredibly stupid that I'll just move on. 


ADAM tells me that he's headed to Rutgers this weekend to see his ex. How do I feel about it? Fine. I saw it coming. I'm not stupid. I just think it'll play out one of two ways:


1.) He'll go to Jersey and get some p*ssy. Fall back in love (i.e, lust) and try to rekindle their relationship. (Which in my opinion will only last for a short time, since it's obvious to everyone in a group setting that she no longer has those feelings for him. Thus, leading him back into heartbreak and fragility.)


OR


2.) One of the guys she's messing with now will somehow interrupt their weekend, causing an argument large enough to snap them both back to reality. Hopefully then, they'll see what's really going on and give it up.


Either way, something inside tells me that this will NOT be my favorite weekend. I can just see myself crying over a glass of wine now: Amanda at my side, telling me that he's confused and that it'll take time. But I know the truth...

Fcuk It!!!

Oh man, after such a great and interesting week comes a horrible weekend. I mean, I actually had a great weekend hanging with Amanda, but the boys were on some other shit this weekend.

I mean, they were just being soooo inconsiderate. They had us waiting around for them, just to stand us up! I was livid! But that's cool. I'll just keep them waiting and not worry about any of their asses at all. I'm tired of always giving and giving. And the people who I trust just keep taking everything away and giving nothing in return! 

It's time I stood up for my own feelings and stop letting people walk all over me. If you can't reciprocate my feelings or at least my actions, then you need to bounce!!!

Checking Out The Competetion

So, I am apparently quite the hot tomale! While ADAM's been dragging his heels, guys have been (almost) literally throwing themselves at my feet. 

First group: Guys @ work! 

Mostly weird guys who have 1 unique quality. One's a poet, One's a complete bum, and One has the dick of a donkey! (Whew! Quite an accomplishment taking on that one!) There are several others who are still trying their hand at getting past small talk with me, but none have succeeded. However, I find myself interested in a guy who's a bit of a diamond-in-the-rough. Not more interested in him than ADAM though...

Second group: Guys at gas stations/convenience stores:

Possibly the worst group ever! Lol! I had 3 homeless men hit on me in front of various 711's. Met one jerk who not only brought his entire immediate family on our date, but then proceeded to tell me that he hopes I contract AIDS after I said it wasn't going to work. WOW! The level of maturity is daunting! 

These men are coming at me from all sides and in all shapes and sizes. I've never had such a WIDE open window of opportunity. Sometimes I hope for one good guy among the group. Just so we could get together and drive ADAM insane. But then i consider the fact that it's childish and move on. 

I have been going out on random dates with these guys for the last two months, mainly to show ADAM that I'm attempting to move on (since he last told me that we should just be friends). However, that plan may or may not be working to my advantage. ADAM acts jealous when he hears me talk about other guys, but a friend pointed out that he may actually believe that I'm not serious about wanting to be with him since I'm still dating.

I don't really know which way to go, but I gave 3 guys my number in the span of 10 minutes tonight...we'll just see what happens next...

WEEK-LONG, Long-week...

OMG is really all I have left to say after this amazing week! It's literally been exhausting! 

I saw ADAM three (3!) times this week. Each time, staying with him longer and longer. He seems comfortable with me there. He hasn't said one word about me overstaying my welcome or anything like that. All in all, it was a great weekend, but let me tell you why:

Friday: I see ADAM on a whim. We had a great time, just hanging out and talking.

Monday: I talk ADAM's cousin into visiting with me. I get COMPLETELY hammered and make a fool of myself, but ADAM is right there beside me, taking care of me and making me feel loved. The entire night (before blowing chunks all over the bathroom), we were just all over each other. We were holding hands and caressing each other in front of all of his friends! OMG! That's a HUGE deal. Additional plus: we tried something new in bed...and it work out better than I imagined!

Thursday: We probably shouldn't have gone...but I'm kind of glad we did. The whole trip was very bittersweet, but I think it helped make some progress (of which the end result remains to be seen).


ADAM and his cousin, let's call her Amanda from now on, got into 2 very distinct conversations. The first of which, was a crying, heart-to-heart. But the second was...louder...and much more like a 12-round fight. Amanda later brought me up-to-speed on the issues, begged me not to abandon ADAM, and threatened me all in the same sentence. That was almost worth the trip alone. I didn't even need to see ADAM at that point :) 


I digress. The point is, that night, Amanda gave me some pointers/advice that I will definitely be putting to use. Also, I may have told ADAM that I love him...and that I'd never abandon him. I meant every word and I intent to hold true to it. The exception: I will never leave...unless he makes me.

Emotional Rollercoaster

Tonight was a doozy!


I was @ work and I just didn't feel right... all of these thoughts of ADAM came flowing thru my mind. I couldn't believe his behavior earlier, but I think I made it even more then it seemed at the time. Idk. I had a chat with one of my cousins before I went into work today, and she basically told me that I need to leave ADAM alone for my sanity. I realized 2 things: One, that she is probably right. Once I leave (and everyone's been telling me this), he will realize what a mistake he's made and he will come after me. IE, he'll FINALLY tell me what the hell is REALLY going on. And two, there's no way I could ever leave.


I know it sounds like we're already in a relationship, with me talking about leaving, but if I dip out now, it'll be the end of our friendship forever. That's not a risk that I'm willing to take. Ever.


I was on the radio a few weeks ago, asking a DJ his thoughts about our situation. He told me that I needed to "sack up" and tell ADAM how I was feeling because anything after that would be me being fake. I totally agree. When I'm around ADAM, all I want to do is show him every inch and corner of my heart. That's impossible to do when being fake. And fake-ness isn't something I excel in. (lol.)


I'm sooooo glad I got to have a heart-to-heart with ADAM's cousin though. She definitely helped me make the transition from tears to tee-hee's. 


White Merlot+Good Friends+Great Chats=Good Nights


I'm glad that she gets exactly how I'm feeling. Now if I could only get him to do the same thing...

WTF?

Omg. So I'm on oovoo doing video conference with my ADAM. So, his friend, a girl he used to hook up with, gets on a video conference with us. afterwards he makes a comment inviting her over to his house and this is all after our amazing weekend together. lik,e i don;t even understand why he just can't do one thing..

please. just tell me how you feel once and for all so that i can move over or move on. this shit kills me. literally tears me apart everyday. i can't stand it.

Scary-Accurate Horoscope!!!

"You're hitting it off splendidly. It's going so well, in fact, you're thinking of asking your new flame to do an instant replay of tonight -- tomorrow night. Oh, go ahead. At this point, they've sent you enough positive signals to let you know it's not your imagination. You're really connecting. What do you have to lose? And, more importantly, what do you both have to gain?"

Damn. I am a Virgo through and through. This horoscope reads like it was at the party with us. 

What do I have to offer?

Saw my sweetie again :D I'm not exactly all smiles though. Lots of drama ensued. First of all, I was COMPLETELY drunk. I mean totally. But to my advantage, I'm a happy-go-lucky drunk, so no damage was done there. But here's what happened:

I came into the house and immediately made a bee-line for him. We hugged for a minute and then I greeted everyone else. Minutes later, and for the rest of the night, we were all over each other. Not sexually. Just openly holding hands, rubbing each others' back or chest, exchanging cute looks. All the things we never do in front of other people. He was totally open and receptive, even though we were surrounded by our closest friends.
Later, quietly excused myself so that I could puke in private, then I went to lie down in his bed. He came in every half hour for 4 hours just to check on me. It was awesome. Such a CLEAR display of his affection for me.

However, I just can't believe it. On the ride home, his cousin yelled that I was blind if I couldn't see how he feels about me. I told her that I need to hear him say it.

When we were young, our parents taught us that actions speak louder than words. That may be true in most cases, but A.D.A.M. is different. Every action is positive, every word is negative. He shows me all day that he loves me, but all he ever tells me is that we should be friends. Deep inside I feel that he honestly does love me. I know he does. But as his bestie, I also know that he has a lot on his mind and his plate to work off before we can be together.

How far is too far?

I started this blog because I need a place to vent my frustration. I'm in love with a close friend, but I can't figure him out. Every ACTION is SUPER-positive. He pulls chairs and closes doors, but that's the gentleman his momma taught him to be. He routinely makes an extra effort for me and all of his friends and family think we're the perfect match. Here's the rub: All of his WORDS are negative. He constantly tells me that he wants to be my FRIEND.

I know what you're saying, 'girl, he's not into you!' And normally, I would agree. The situation is a little more complicated than that. I won't get into details, but I will tell you what I love about him.

1.) I can FEEL our connection, physically, every time I touch him. We could be holding hands or just handing over an item, but whenever our skin touches, it's like magic! 

2.) He makes me be a better person. Whenever I'm near him, I want to be my best self all the time. I feel like I can do anything, accomplish any task.


3.) He's my personal cheerleader. I can just see him standing there, megaphone in hand, telling me that I can do it, no matter what it is. He's never negative or abrasive with me. 


4.) Nothing is ever off limits. We can openly and honestly share anything with each other without the fear of being judged. 

5.) He's the same type of person as me. We have very similar goals, expectations, values, morals, and character. Our differences complement each other and we deal with confrontation in a similar matter. To me all of this = a great relationship in the making.


Right now, he's trying to decide if he should reconcile with his ex. Right now, I'm trying to decide if I should wait for him to make that decision.